And the family have done it again

Well as the title says my family have made me feel worthless once again why do i have to be made to feel like this . It has all started because a few weeks ago a friend told us he was gonna do a michael buble tribute and i said oh i like to go to that and i knew from the last arguement i wouldnt ask my niece so i said to my sister i ask my nephew stephen to baby sit well 3weeks later she said i bought our caitlin and stephen tickets to go watch him knowing full well thati wouldnt be able to  go then she only bought my mum and dad tickets so they could go which ment that i wouldnt be able to go at all . Then friday just gone a friend said her sister  wouldnt be going and she had a ticket spare if i wanted it and my husband said  go he would babysit my sister wasnt around when this was said then litrally 20mins later i got a text of the so called friend saying her sister was going which i thought was strange since she wasnt then when she was when she seen my sister . Anyway i let them go and enjoy there night but i have since found out her sister didnt go .Anyway i was mega pissed yesterdy and finally said to my mum i was fed up of being used because the only time she fones me or wants me is for my husbands car .She didnt even fone upto see how my sons apointments have been this week which says alot for me . My mum never asks me to go out with her or my sister i havealways felt ive had to fight for any attention ie when i was younger i used to cut my arms to get some attention because its always been about shona and how she feels they never bothered how i felt and they still dont so this weekend has come to a head and i told my mum i want nothing to do with her anymore .I not mentioned that im gonna be looking for somewhere else to live because i cant be doing living up the road from them anymore.

Well i finished work

Well after going back to work and realising it wasn't the best for us as a family or should i say me because i didn't have the energy for my 2 youngest kids especially JJ because he throwing all sorts at us he had a seizure of some sort so he gotta have a EEG next week then the past 2 weeks i have noticed he has a curve to his right ribs so now there thinking scoliosis jeez how much more does my baby boy have to take i love him loads and wouldn't  change him for the world .

We are still awaiting on the results for Alex  which is annoying me i just want to know if he has it or not so i can then get him the help he needs i love my kids to the moon and back.

One last thing when me and my DH had a drink last night we where talking and he is now saying he wished he hadn't had the snip so i could have the 4th child i so long for i cant help it but i just really want a 4th child i couldn't care less if they had 16p or not because just like JJ , Kels and Alex he or she would have been loved  but since he been done my wish to have a bigger family is just not gonna happen unless we win the lottery  which is highly unlikely. I just wish i could stop this yearning for another child

just to update

Well we finally have a diagnosis for my baby JJ 16p11.2 micro deletion and they also found out my husband also has the deletion and that's the reason he struggled at school and now we are awaiting the test results to see if my eldest son has the same condition due to him also having difficulties re learning at school so my world has been blown apart and my husband is blaming himself for it all but i keep saying to him it not his fault he cant say how his chromosomes are . so now it onwards and upwards for us and to top it off JJ been admitted into the hospital twice this last week 1 for having a seizure and the other because they found out he is constipated  so now my poor baby is on movicol to help his bowels. but at the end of the day they are my family and i don't care whats wrong with any of them because i love the all SO much

Had good weekend and now im a happy bunny again

Well i sorted things out with my mum me and my DH where talking about me finishing work due to everything going on with JJ but after talking to my ward manager i am still going to work for the time being i may stop working in a year or so depending on what happens with JJ . I'm still not talking to my sister but I'm not likely to forgive her as easy as i usually do you can have a go at me anytime but don't ever bring my kids into it they are my life and mean everything to me i would do with out everything in my life as long as my kids where OK and well cared for unlike some i could mention.

Todays no better

Well I'm sat here at 10:20am and i am still thinking about about what my sister said dam i wish it would just leave me alone . I just feel so alone at the moment i know my husband is trying his best to help me deal with all this but it just doesn't seem to be working and to top it off i don't want to go to work tonight just because of how i feel because i know I'm sleeping but it feels as though I've not had any sleep . It doesn't help that i have got lots of things happening next week IE i my son had got an appointment with a geneticist to see if they can find out a reason why my son is delayed then i got physio and he paediatric appointment so it all go them we have his child development team appointment as well and because i have never seen a geneticist or had a CDT meeting it is getting to me i thought i could rely on my mum and dads support but i just feel so alone i hate this feeling . I am beginning to think i am the worlds worst person i love my kids but i feel today as though I'm not good enough for them and they could do better i would never do anything stupid don't get me wrong It doesn't help that the one person who i used to trust and be able to talk to i stopped talking to months ago because she let me down when i asked her to take me and my son to his hydrotherapy session and she didn't turn up so i lost it with her big time and we have not spoken for about 8 months but she is talking to everyone else in my family since me and my sister started to argue so it just feels as though i am the worst friend , daughter , mother ,wife ever. A friend today said she can tell my sister is the favourite one and how false she is so why is it that i am the one that feels so alone and has no one to turn to.

What happened yesterday and how i feel today

Well where can i start i got up yesterday and was in a good mood still speaking to my sister until i spoke on how i felt about something .

Well is started out my sister said to my mum yesterday my 15yr old niece had given Dave ( my sisters boyfriend ) ground rules in my sister house at this i kept my mouth shut ( which for me is hard at the best of times ) but my mum said she had no right telling an adult what he should or shouldn't do in the house ( again i said nothing ) at which point my sister said well i told him and he wont listen ( so what makes her think he listen to a 15 yr old ) . So here where i got involved she then went on to say my niece had slapped her boyfriend across the face which i then said he had every right to clip her back ( just stating he didn't ) at which point my sister jumped up and said she had every right when he was in her face shouting where my fucking aftershave you stupid fucking ginger bitch and this is where i lost it with my sister and said he would have been out my house for speaking to my daughter like that and she went onto say My husband was as bad  well for 1 he never got in my 11yr old face and sworn or called him names like that as he knows i would never stand for it and he would be out the door Yes he does seem to have a go at my 11yr more than my 2 or 3 yr old but that's because my 11 is mouthy with his dad. Then she went on to say my mum and dad don't like coming to my house as i have 4 dogs and a cat (which have all had there jabs and are well cared for ) and its a mess because of them ( all the time my mum and dad are sat there listening to this and saying nothing ) then she went on to say what hurt me the most and its still bothering me today which is why i have started this blog she said i don't do anything to help my mum ( who is in a wheelchair ) because i always put my 2yr old son first ( my son has GDD and is disabled ) again all the time my mum and dad sat there and didn't say anything which is what hurt me the most because when my mum or dad has been admitted to hospital it been me and my husband that have been there with my mum from 9pm till 5am when they  found her a bed on 3 occasions and have been the one who was at my dads bedside every single day when he had his triple heart bypass and his lung collapsed ( even though he did turn around to me and say what you doing here and all he ever speaks about is her) i had it out with my mum last night and i thought we had sorted it but i just cant get it out my head and its driving me mad inside i hate them all for making me feel like i have done something wrong by not doing as much for my mum i wish i could but what am i supposed to do push a wheelchair and pram around (which is impossible ) . I just feel as though I'm not worthy anymore accept for my husband and kids  we used to take my mum to Costco and out with us for days and because she didn't tell her she was in the wrong i feel as though she feels the same way even though she said she admires me because i work and always have ( and my sister who older and got 5 kids has never worked and neither has her boyfriend  ) and she knows i cant do as much but it was a huge kick in the gut for me i know I'm rambling now.

Today i went speaking to a mutual friend  whom we used to both go to zumba with and she was said without knowing my sister had blocked me from fb that she had said she is having to find another zumba class because she cant be anywhere near me at which point i said i probably not be able to go on Mondays because i would have no baby sister ( my niece used to get paid for it and when me and her mum where arguing she had to put a sly comment on fb aimed at me ) so i blocked her from my fb and because of  being a mouthy teenager but i would still be going on Wednesdays even if she was there because i was not going to back down doing something i loved doing because she was there . well i was naughty earlier i looked at her status's through another account and she PMing everyone we go to zumba with and calling me all the names under the sun saying she cant go back to there because I'm there so i feel as though when i do go back people are going to be saying things behind my back and god knows what she will have told the zumba instructor so i have more fun to come in the next week or so